Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
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I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…