realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
You Might Also Like
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.