The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
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We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
tis the season
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl