I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
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I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.