My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
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Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table