Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
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doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place