Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
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I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Vodka burrito was a success
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
🤣🤣🤣
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount