A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
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When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Me buying fruit and veg
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Put a ring on it
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”