Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
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Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
why no one uses midhusbands
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself