Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
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Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
All generalizations are stupid.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…