Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
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*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too