GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
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Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?