I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
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I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”