Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
You Might Also Like
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
If a snake ate a cake
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world