Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them![]()
You Might Also Like
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
![]()
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
![]()
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
![]()
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*