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69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.