thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
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One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art