Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
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“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Become ungovernable.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.