[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
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twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.