At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
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*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
My love language is hissing.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
no!! no!!!!!!
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.