The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
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In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
nice challenge
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.