Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
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Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
*skinny dips into black hole
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.