Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
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Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Möther may I have a snäck
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.