Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
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Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
They got Raph!
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*