dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
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*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this