My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
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The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?