Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
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“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”