[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
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BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup