Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
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My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy