After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
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I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
all bases covered
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!