I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
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When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”