Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

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I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.


trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater


“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*


[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time


You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.


In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”


I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!


Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues


as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water