Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
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hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Donkey Kong sommelier
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.