Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
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waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found