I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
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HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I’m giving up ice.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.