ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
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I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
CUTE CAT‼︎
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.