My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
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The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.