Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
You Might Also Like
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*