hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
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accurate
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Okay
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.