hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
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“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight