Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
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Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk