Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
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Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics