Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
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*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Natty or not?
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Can. I. Help. You.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.