It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
You Might Also Like
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.