Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
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Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Jail
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..