professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
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25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.