I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
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My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw