This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
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normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
This kinda thing happens to me often
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.