cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
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“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.