If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
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I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]