Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
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Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Finally, a door that understands me
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.