Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
You Might Also Like
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.